Why is Adoptive Parenting in the Teen Years So Hard?
Every week without fail, I meet an adoptive family reaching out for help with their teenager.
“They were such a great kid and then they turned 13 and it’s like I don’t know who they are anymore!”“My previously joyful kid is now angry, withdrawn, and doing risky things. What happened?”
First, I want you to know that you’re not alone. This is a very common struggle with teenagers in general, but adoption can add a layer of complexity that creates a lot of confusion for kids and parents alike.
The short answer is: it’s not adoption itself that drives this sudden change of behavior, it’s a combination of early experiences, brain wiring, identity questions, and unmet needs that many adopted teens carry.
For some teens who experienced early adversity, their stress response system is wired to seek control, stay alert, and chase intensity. So, for some of our kiddos, risky behaviors can feel like they’re actually regulating their nervous system. It doesn’t feel like rebellion to them, it feels like relief. As parents, we need to understand this piece, validate their feelings, and help them find appropriate ways to regulate. Keep in mind: it’s very hard to take away something that feels like “survival” to them without replacing it with a more appropriate way to meet that need.
Some behaviors are actually coping strategies. What looks like bad choices can be attempts to numb pain, escape anxiety, feel connected, or gain acceptance.
We’re reminded by Dr. Karyn Purvis from her work in TBRI that we need to see the need behind the behavior. It’s important to try to understand what your child’s behavior is saying and try to replace risky behaviors with healthier ones.
For example:
• Substance abuse = calming or numbing feelings (Healthier options might include art, music, therapy, being around animals, etc.)
• Sexual behavior = connection/validation (Healthier options might include peer groups, teaching body awareness, grounding techniques, sports, or mentors.)
• Defiance = protection from vulnerability (Healthier options might include talking through discerning “safe” people, service projects, learning a new skill, and modeling healthy communication early and often.)
If we only address the behavior, we miss the need. If we meet the need, the behavior often loses its power.
With every new developmental stage, our children process their adoption story through a new set of glasses. As their brain develops and understands more, the loss and grief of their story impacts them in new ways. These feelings don’t just disappear- they leak out sideways.
Even in great adoptive homes, there can be a layer of:
“Why wasn’t I kept?”
“Who am I really?”
“Where do I belong?”
Teens don’t always have the language for this, so it comes out as pushing limits, rejecting authority, and self-sabotage. Sometimes this behavior is testing “Will you still want me if I’m at my worst?”
Another layer to understand with teen adoptees is the Identity Confusion.
All teens ask “Who am I?” but adopted teens are also asking “Who do I come from?” “Am I like my biological parents?” “Is something ‘wrong’ with me?”
This can lead to trying on extreme identities, aligning with risky peer groups, or experimenting more intensely.
This is the time to have open and honest conversations with your child about their story, try to fill in gaps for them, and support their need for more information. Identity is like putting together a puzzle: it’s really hard for our kids to complete the puzzle with some pieces missing.
The teen years are a sometimes difficult/sometimes beautiful process of push-and-pull. A child’s need for independence and separation from their parents will always be straining. Most teens (adopted or not) will have a need for control. Many of our kids had very little control over the chaos that defined their early years- even if it’s just the loss of their biological family- this feels like a loss of control for them. Some of our kids will reject rules more fiercely or make decisions that “prove” independence. “This is MY life. I decide,” is the message they want to send.
So, What Do We Do with All of This?
1. Connection over Control. Rules alone won’t fix it. Relationship is the foundation of everything at this stage. Remind them that you’re on their team. Connect with them before you offer correction. Sometimes communication is hard with a teen because they don’t have the words for their feelings. Behavior is its own communication. What is the behavior saying?
2. Co-regulation before consequences. Make sure you’re both in a regulated state before trying to teach or correct. When tensions are high, take a beat to cool off. Come back together and address the situation with clear minds.
3. Give safe “yeses.” Whether it’s sports, adventure, or creative outlets, we can help them meet their need for intensity in healthy ways.
4. Normalize talking about their story. Remove shame around talking about birth family, make sure they feel safe to ask questions or express feelings surrounding their adoption.
5. Stay steady. You can be kind and consistent. Offering compassion for our kids doesn’t mean we have to allow bad behavior. Boundaries are necessary.
6. Give yourself some grace. Many parents internalize their child’s behavior and believe they’ve done something wrong. It’s healthy to remind yourself and your child that you’re doing your best.
Understanding the “why” behind the behavior doesn’t mean we ignore unsafe choices. Safety still matters. Our goal is to respond in a way that both protects our child and helps them grow.
