When Love Feels Hard: Understanding Blocked Care in Adoptive Parenting

Have you ever found yourself wondering, “Why do I feel so disconnected from my child?” or “What happened to the parent I used to be?” You’re not alone—and you’re not broken. You’re likely experiencing something called blocked care.

Blocked care is a neurobiological response that happens when a parent, especially in the context of adoption or foster care, feels chronically unsafe, unseen, or ineffective. In Reclaiming Compassion, authors Lisa Qualls and Melissa Corkum—both adoptive moms and parent coaches—shed compassionate light on this often silent struggle.

What Is Blocked Care?

Blocked care occurs when a parent’s nervous system shifts into a self-protective state. Instead of feeling connected, nurturing, and empathetic, you might start feeling numb, angry, or resentful toward your child. It’s not a choice. It’s your brain’s way of saying: This feels too hard, too scary, too painful.

And for many adoptive parents, it’s a response to parenting a child with a history of trauma. When your child’s behaviors are intense, confusing, or seem resistant to connection, it can chip away at your natural caregiving instincts.

The Double Shame

The tragedy of blocked care is that it’s often hidden behind shame. You might think, “If I were a better parent, I wouldn’t feel this way.” Or worse, “Maybe I’m not meant to be this child’s parent.”

Qualls and Corkum gently dismantle those lies. Blocked care isn’t a parenting failure. It’s a brain state—one that can be healed.

How Do You Know If You’re Experiencing Blocked Care?

Here are a few signs from Reclaiming Compassion:

• You dread interactions with your child.
• You feel numb or indifferent when they’re upset.
• You fantasize about escape or feel trapped in your parenting role.
• You find yourself reacting with more frustration or detachment than you’d like.

Sound familiar? Then here’s the good news: blocked care is reversible.

The Way Back: Reclaiming Compassion

The heart of Reclaiming Compassion is hope. The authors share science-based strategies rooted in neuroscience and faith to help parents move from self-protection back into connection. Here are a few key steps:

1. Understand the Science
   When you know that your brain is stuck in a threat response, it helps take the shame out of the experience. You’re not failing—you’re human.
2. Create Safety for Yourself
   You can’t regulate your child if you’re dysregulated. Prioritize your own nervous system. That might mean rest, counseling, or even small moments of joy throughout the day.
3. Reconnect with Your Why
   Remember the calling that brought you to this journey. Prayer, journaling, and community support can re-anchor you in your purpose.
4. Practice Compassion—First for Yourself
   Healing begins when you show yourself the same grace you long to give your child.
5. Pursue Connection over Control
   Connection isn’t permissiveness—it’s the pathway to trust. When your child feels safe, they can begin to heal. But that connection starts with you feeling safe too.

You Are Not Alone

Parenting a child with a hard history is holy work—but it’s also heavy work. Reclaiming Compassion reminds us that even when we feel empty or lost, God’s grace is present. Healing is possible. Connection is possible. And compassion can be reclaimed.

If you’re experiencing blocked care, know this: There is no shame in your struggle. There is only hope.

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Interested in diving deeper? “Reclaiming Compassion” is a powerful read for adoptive and foster parents, full of empathy, science, and spiritual encouragement. It’s a guidebook for weary hearts looking for a way home—to their child, and to themselves.